Extreme Hormoaning

Posted: July 21, 2009 in Irregular Hormoaning

I never said when I started this thing that I was going to be regular about it in any way, shape or conceivable manner.  There may be a post in January followed swiftly by one in September (where DO those micro-seconds go…?), or there may be a post this morning followed lethargically by one this afternoon.  This is because my brain has decided to take up a new sport…Extreme Hormoaning.

When the Boy  Monster was naught but a toddler and couldn’t quite get a grip on the word “moaning”, he used to tell The Drummer and I to “stop hormoaning”.  Naturally, The Drummer thought this was insanely hilarious being as he had just swum through the hormonally infested nine months of Girl Monster pregnancy and survived relatively ‘Drummerus Intactus’….( or as intactus as drummerusses can actually be).  Now, to me, those pregnancy ‘hormoans’ were friendly little critters; all baby loving, milk suckling, ability to deal with shitty nappies & nada sleep ‘hormoans’.  Let me tell you friends, the ones we are dealing with now are a WHOLE different bucket of slime-worms.

These are the EVIL ‘hormoans’…..oh yes….the Alien in the Mothership ‘hormoans’, the nasty Dalek mind-warp ‘hormoans’….the brain-of-no-return ‘hormoans’.  They start to invade with their foot-soldier armies of PAHs (Physical Alteration Hormones); a newly sprouted chin-hair here, a wire-sprung white pube there.  They leave a nasty trail of brownish markings on face, arms and decollete before calling on the aerial troops to bombard the mind with the WMNAs? (What’s My Name Again?)hormones.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, toilet training for tortoises…..

YOU SEE???…..there they go again….that’s my next week’s blog….

I have therefore decided it is time to take extreme counter-active measures against these parasitic invaders, hence:

a) Be armed at all times with the number 1 weapon of attack….The Tweezers. (Yes, I knowww, it’s gonna’ be sore….down there….but a full monty wax is just NOT an option at this point).

b) Stay drunk AT ALL TIMES….copious quantities of alcohol are a proven solution for killing brain-cell eating organisms.

c) Hire some out of work Dementor extras from the Harry Potter movies…they’ll suck the life-blood out of the syphilitic schnooks…mwuhahahahaha…

d) Go back to bed….forever.

Well, there you have it people.  As a courtesy to female-kind everywhere I shall put the above into practise and may, or may not….(WMNA?) get back to you next week….or tomorrow….or this evening.cec477bbc5396f6e3fa5a23aa73d50e22

And, no, I have absolutely no idea why this picture appeared down here instead of in the upper left hand corner where I TOLD IT TO GO….

  1. Just the sort of stuff I love to read! Looking forward to the next one.

    And you shall be my mentor!

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