Blasphemous in Belgium

Posted: July 24, 2009 in Blasphemous in Belgium
Tags: , ,

cec477bbc5396f6e3fa5a23aa73d50e22People have asked us many times over the past few years why we chose to move to the unchartered meadows of South Belgium.  Why, in God’s holy, unstigmatized name, would we possibly want to leave the glorious land of Saints and Scholars, with it’s verdant greenery, poetic scenery, quaint pot-holed roads and voracious developers?

Patiently, we would sigh and trot out our carefully rehearsed replies:

 – Can’t afford any more Cillit Bang to remove the ‘verdant greenery’ inching its way down the wall towards the Monster’s beds.

– Can’t afford the high-resolution zoom binoculars needed to view the ‘poetic scenery’ through the gaps in the  housing blocks and cranes.

– Tired of dinner party conversations where the sole topics of conversation are: 

    “Well, how many buy-to-rent properties do you think ARE still available?”  

    “Just invested in my third set of Michelin all-weathers..this YEAR!!”

– A few things mumbled about SAD disorder (in EVERY season), archaic       languages, price rip-offs, celtic tiger my arse, and the high meat content of Belgian saucisses.

Now, when one makes up ones mind to cart one’s nearest & dearest to a foreign shore (incurring an immediate 453 hairs on head to turn white overnight), how can one ever be sure that this decision is right?

 How can one be sure that ones Monsters won’t develop worms from an over abundance of produits de porc?

How can one be sure that The Drummer will be able to navigate through the double entendres of an unfamiliar tongue?

How can one be sure of how much time it will take to wean oneself off the food department of M & S?

Then, finally…..finally… after 3 long years of wrenched, twisted hands and the agonised plucking out of 283 of the aforementioned white hairs….a message from GOD….yes, He!  Yesterday the validity of my decision was presented like a seraphic bolt of  blinding light upon my slightly patchy scalp.  I could smell the intervention of Divinity here; surely, this was no random act of my own self-evolution?  

Ireland’s signing into law of  The Defamation Bill which “renews the offence of BLASPHEMY provided for under 1960’s legislation”….(ahh…40 odd years of de-christianisation down the swanny and we won’t even whisper a word about that nasty church/state separation thingy), could only mean one thing for me personally.

I am FREE to cuss, swear, blaspheme and be profane, wherever and whenever I choose (usually sur les autoroutes).  In addition…..I can thunder and blast and scream unsavoury, religious epithets….IN A FEW DIFFERENT LANGUAGES…!

Why, from where I sit typing out this blasphemous tome, I can reach four different countries within 1 hour happily roaring out my “Holy Mother of un-godly sudden brakers” to the idiot in the car ahead.  What’s more, it’s not just on the motorways….thanks be to the Celestial Choirs, there is as much to curse about here as there is at home….

Please feel free to leave as many religious profanity comments here as you like, especially if you are in Ireland and feel the need to…you know…let it all out.

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Comments
  1. Aoife says:

    WOOOO….Christ on a bike, god damn great blog.

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